Separating ‘The Story In Your Head’ From Reality
As film producer Robert Evans is quoted as saying, “There are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth.” Our background and past experiences color how we perceive every situation we encounter. While often the lessons we have learned help us better navigate our present-day situations, they can also create biases and hamper our ability to stay objective.
When you find yourself in a tricky interpersonal situation in the workplace, you may need to take a step back to observe and evaluate, trying to discern reality from the story in your head.
Here is how to start:
Let go of the small things.
Have you ever replayed a conversation in your head after the fact, running through the encounter repeatedly—trying to read into every word that was said or went unsaid? Sometimes, trying to make sense of an unpleasant or strange encounter can be helpful and allow you to gain insight into a strained work relationship. Other times, a weird comment or strange wording does not mean anything.
Imagine a coworker makes an offhand remark that rubs you the wrong way. If this person consistently makes passive-aggressive comments, then action needs to be taken. However, if this coworker is usually pleasant or personable, just let the comment go. Chalk it up to them having a bad day. Letting it go without a response can help you stay in a beneficial mental headspace while also maintaining a positive working relationship.
Watch out for confirmation bias.
While being onboarded at a new company, one of my clients, Jennifer, found herself trained by two colleagues who disliked each other immensely. They would warn Jennifer of the other’s negative attributes and tell her to “watch out” for that person.
Over the next few months, she found herself tense and defensive around these two people, basing her own expectations on their opinions. For example, she saw arrogance instead of confidence because her other colleague had told her that “Jack” was arrogant. This is called confirmation bias. Once Jennifer realized that she was shading her own professional relationships based on preconceived biases, she had to work hard to separate her own thoughts from those of her colleagues. Once she was able to do that, she had a much more enjoyable experience and was better able to collaborate with her teammates.
Talk with the other person.
Communication can be beneficial when separating reality from the story in your head. If you believe someone has an issue with you, invite that person to have a conversation with you. Explain your perception of certain troublesome situations, and ask them for their input. Their point of view may be different. Together, you can analyze and work through the issue to better root out the reality from perception.
Many of the stories in our heads are based on presumptions. Eliminating those suppositions and getting other perspectives can better align your story to reality.
Ask a simple question.
When someone says something that surprises you and you are not sure if it was a careless remark or a passive-aggressive comment, this strategy will throw them off and help shed light on the situation: Look them in the eyes and say, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean. Can you explain it to me?”
Say this in a very objective way—demonstrating your curiosity and willingness to listen and engage in conversation. Their reaction to this question can tell you a lot about their intentions.
Get out of your head.
It can be tempting to replay your own movie on repeat in your head, but you can get closer to the truth of a situation by getting out of your head. Lies and deception—even the ones you tell yourself—thrive in the shadows, so getting your story into the light can help you get closer to the truth.
For example, journal with intention. Writing words on paper can help identify biases in a story.
You could also ask for help from an unbiased third party. Choose a confidante, such as a coach or a peer, and discreetly explain your thoughts as objectively as possible. Be careful, though. Make sure you are not causing more drama by approaching the wrong person. Your intention should be to help clear up biases—not create them.
See the bigger picture.
The best way to separate reality from the story in your head is to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Examining a story objectively is key to better work relationships and a more pleasant office environment.